sherlock's great, great grandaughter

i was for some reason, quite astonished at my abilities.

i thought i'd share.

this evening, just after you leave, i'm on my computer.  looking at itunes.  picking out music.  

when all of a sudden, i notice something on my desktop is missing.

erin22.doc

trish's skype letter.

ha.  i think.  wow.  is this really happening?

i search the computer for the document.  to no avail.  i go to my email.  it's still there.  at least mom didn't raid that one.  

redownload.  just for the hell of it.  i didn't even read it.  but was still unsure of mom actually doing that.  i downloaded it, did a search, and only that one popped up.

still in great disbelief, i research, for quite awhile, how to discover if someone's been on your computer.  

after a great amount of time, i resort to the console log, scrolling the computer usage times.  

scroll.

scroll.

thinking of my week's schedule.

scroll.

scroll.

ah ha!  gotchya!  tuesday evening, july 7, 2009, from 6:41-6:46 pm, my computer was in use.  at that time, we were buying kfc chicken wings. 

and trish and mom were home.  

mystery solved, my dear watson.

thank you for tonight honey.  it was so nice holding you. i hope you get some rest.  i love you.

smug

last night, i laid my head down to sleep.  prayed my soul to keep.  and slept.

i dreamed.  and awoke every hour or so, thinking "wow" ::smug smile:: "i was just sleeping".  and fell back to sleep in a different direction, squeezing a different pillow.

it was a nice feeling.

and in my dreams, my mom listened to me.  and decided to finish a blanket she started making, for Hanah, during pregnancy.

thinking happy thoughts.  and a lot about sewing.  going to make a trip to the other house to gather some stuff today. kind of yucky.  i have no where to put it.  but better now than all at once later.

just thought i'd tell you that.  

and that i'm excited to see your beautiful face.

<3.

zzz

i cannot sleep.
i'm listening to you on itunes.
and that's soothing to me.
when i think about the notes and beats, it leads to thoughts of can tapping and beautiful stories and a guileless heart.
it's comforting. almost like the music is a line between us. it's the sound captured on the line. from your heart. to mine. it serves as the medium. and it's it comforting to think someone's at the other end. and it counts me hopeful, even tonight, i'll find rest.

closed eyes just came on.
right on cue.

things bothering me:
trish, being in the same house as trish, trish's glares that interlace the silence (mark reiterated those tonight), the discomfort of being in my house, mom's unwavering issues (i've lightly contemplated calling her laura, not seriously, but in reaction to how i feel about her, ultimately, leaving her one more free of motherhood), i think about hanah- although it makes me sad, and forces me to reach out to that beautiful, good, bright, endearing girl, all the more.

you bring me such happiness. i love to laugh with you. and play with you. playing in the rain was entirely wonderful. the torrential downpour. hopping in puddles. walking in puddles.standing in our underwear on the back deck. taking a jacuzzi bath. watching the king of king kong documentary was excellent. playing frisbee with you and hanah. cuddling. drawing. painting. sunset catching. piggy back riding. you are the man of my dreams. you teach me that i'm lovely. you teach me that i have something good and pure. to acknowledge and cherish. you make me feel like a little girl, without mistakes, with big eyes and great expectations. and i like that. a lot. i love what we have. i believe it is good. and pure. you teach me so much. or jesus teaches me so much through you. however you want to put it.

i love you. and one of the lessons i'm learning is what it means to accept God's grace. and love. i'm learning a lot of this from you.

i love you so much frederick.

i cannot say it enough.

you're a deer. 

and you have my <3.

=)

always, erin