Trainspotting

"Whin yir oan junk, aw ye worry aboot is scorin. Oaf the gear, ye worry aboot loads ay things. Nae money, cannae git pished. Goat money, drinkin too much. Cannae git a burd, nae chance ay a ride. Git a bird, too much hassle, cannae breathe withoot her gittin oan yir case. Either that or ye blow it, and feel aw guilty. Ye worry aboot bills, food, baliffs, these Jambo Nazi scum beatin us, aw the things that ye couldnae gie a fuck aboot whin yuv goat a real junk habit. Yuv just goat one thing tae worry aboot. The simplicity ay it aw. Ken what ah mean?"

ken what i mean, freddy?

"So it goes back tae ma alienation from society. The problem is that people refuse to accept ma view that society cannae be changed tae make it significantly better, or that ah cannae change tae accommodate it. Such a state ay affairs induces depression on ma part, aw the anger gets turned in. That's what depression is they say. However, depression also results in demotivation. A void growin within ye. Junk fills the void, and also helps tae satisfy ma need tae destroy masel, the anger turned in but again."

"Loaday fuckin shite."

"Why is it that because ye use hard drugs every cunt feels that they have the right tae dissect and analyse ye?

Once ye accept that they huv that right, ye'll join them in the search fir this holy grail, the thing that makes ye tick. Ye'll then defer tae them, allowin yersel tae be conned intae believin any biscuit-ersed theory ay behavior they choose tae attach tae ye. Then yir theirs, no yir ain; the dependency shifts from the drug to them.

Society invents a spurious convoluted logic tae absorb and change people whae's behavior is outside its mainstream. Suppose that ah ken (know) aw the pros and cons, know that ah'm gaunnae huv a short life, am ay sound mind etcetera, etcetera, but still wan tae use smack? They won't let ye dae it. They won't let yae do it because it's seen as ay sign ay thir ain failure. The fact that ye jist simply choose tae reject whit they huv tae offer. Choose us. Choose life. Choose mortgage payments; choose washing machines; choose cars; choose sitting oan a couch watching mind-numbing and spirit-crushing game shows, stuffin fuckin junk food intae yir mooth. Choose rotting away, pishing and shiteing yersel in a home, a total fuckin embarrassment tae the selfish, fucked up brats ye've produced. Choose life."

Whoa, right? All relatable. This guy is smart. But I want to be past where he stops the questions. I want it all. Healthy living. And feeling life.

I don't want mainstream or cliche or something forced upon me. But, I do want to know what it feels like to live without the numbing. It may be hard like that, but it's necessary. I'm learning now so later, when things happen, I'm ready for them. Prepared to take them as they are. Be a stronger person because of it. And make better choices.

I fluctuate. Back and forth. Because it's a struggle. I'm on the brink though. I just need help.

I love you.