OUR SONGS

The last song you played tonight before you went to sleep was Daft Punk's "Digital Love". Our song because (1) it was the first song I posted on this site to describe our relationship. At the bottom of this post, even, you will see the words 'Digital Lover' to describe my pen name. (2) It refers to our online meeting. (3) And, the fact I have a blog written to you, actively. Presently. Constant Loving.

I liked the song. And it gave me fuzzy feelings thinking about you.

Other "our songs" include:

Before it Breaks You: Lewis and Clarke

We painted. To this song. I painted one side, you the other. And we made sweet tenders. The candle lights were dancing. I think you slept over that night. It may have been when you came from Tallahassee. Maybe it was just the magic first few weeks we met. Where we explored each others minds and bodies. This song makes me deeply nostalgic. For the purity of our new love. The way we saw each other. Like "Could I really be this happy?" "Could this person really be who I see? Who I want them to be?" "Could this really be real?" We paint and we talk. But mostly we paint. Right next to each other. On the same canvas.

Svefn-g-Englar: Sigur Ros

This played in my mom's car on the night we met. And I took you to Howard Park. On the rocks. With the fish. Under the stars. And we waded in the ocean. We had hopped over the fence. This was playing the whole way there. And I drove you through tarpon. After greek coffee and baklava. You were wearing your versace glasses. And told me how your parents had thrown money at you because you were meeting up with a girl. This played that same night. And I was glad to have a new friend.

New Grass: Talk Talk

I heard this for the first time when I was in Tallahassee with you. The first time I visited. When you were stone free. It was nighttime. And I was lying on your bed. You turned this on. The lights were out. And you kissed me so deep. And you kissed me gently all over. And I fell in love with you. True love. Something inescapable. Wondering, where did this boy come from? How is he so sweet to me? Is this possible? Is this real? How can my heart be so touched? How could someone kiss with so much intention? How can I be feeling so much? I couldn't think those thoughts. I couldn't think much for my heart was so captivated. But I felt them. And was touched by them. This song reminds me of your soft lips and soothing presence.

La Noyee: Yann Tiersen

You taught me most of this song. Except for the end part. You're always so patient with me. You like for me to be excited about learning the piano. A higher purpose that you achieve is done through music. By playing and seeking purity or complexity in sound, the mind is challenged and the soul is taken to another place where feeling takes place again. I was happy to learn this song. Because I loved its simple elegance. And it wasn't too difficult. And you were such an understanding teacher with positive instruction, always correcting me with kind words. You never shuddered to show me twice or three times or four. It warmed you I played with you. By your side. On the bench. And could enter this realm with you. And for me, it too was a pleasure to enter the "old world" with you. With a pleasure in connection.

For me,

My song toward you includes:

Player Get your Funk On: Part 1

This was to the first video I saw you make. With the dinosaur and the yarn and the little dog. And they all get eaten by the yarn. But not mister white statue man. I saw this before stop motion was big. And I was a bit enraptured. Not with love or lust because that comes from something more than that for me. I hadn't even talked with you yet. But it fed this idea of potential. Like this could be someone I really enjoyed my time with. This could be someone who could create poetry with me, whether in friendship or tenderness. He's sincere and likes playing with the "old view" in a "new way". There's something beautiful in that.

So far

We have 5 songs. And I have one toward you.

But let's focus on the five songs.

Can you think of anymore?

These serve as our monuments.

Testaments to our love.

Proof of its magnitude which will stand the test of time.

As long as someone plays these songs, our love will always be remembered.

tis the reason

my dearest,

that made me the happiest girl in the world. that day was perfect. and we're looking at many more to come. but the image still lingers in my mind.

i see me and you in some little apartment in winter park. you're going to school a few days a week. focused because the classes you're taking are fun for you and you're about to graduate in not too much time. i help you where i can. i work during the week. teaching or something. and you help me by making me happy. we go to the park. we take long bike rides. go the the enzian. stardust coffee. we photograph. farmer's markets galore. our home is beautiful. cozy. just the way we like it. we cook what we want, when we want. we live 10 minutes from a whole foods. we go to an awesome church. sunday nights. but we go to a bible study on a week night. and the other nights we spend time with each other, or with our awesome friends who love the same things we love. we make plans with them. for our next big ventures. and it gets exciting. on a whim one night, we get matching tattoos. small ones. but it makes us happy. we play music in the park. you find steady music partners. you play folk music galore. and no longer are you the only one with a banjo. we take the train when we want. wherever we want. for adventures. we have a garden. a little herb one on our balcony. and we're happy. happy to be together and living.

Trainspotting

"Whin yir oan junk, aw ye worry aboot is scorin. Oaf the gear, ye worry aboot loads ay things. Nae money, cannae git pished. Goat money, drinkin too much. Cannae git a burd, nae chance ay a ride. Git a bird, too much hassle, cannae breathe withoot her gittin oan yir case. Either that or ye blow it, and feel aw guilty. Ye worry aboot bills, food, baliffs, these Jambo Nazi scum beatin us, aw the things that ye couldnae gie a fuck aboot whin yuv goat a real junk habit. Yuv just goat one thing tae worry aboot. The simplicity ay it aw. Ken what ah mean?"

ken what i mean, freddy?

"So it goes back tae ma alienation from society. The problem is that people refuse to accept ma view that society cannae be changed tae make it significantly better, or that ah cannae change tae accommodate it. Such a state ay affairs induces depression on ma part, aw the anger gets turned in. That's what depression is they say. However, depression also results in demotivation. A void growin within ye. Junk fills the void, and also helps tae satisfy ma need tae destroy masel, the anger turned in but again."

"Loaday fuckin shite."

"Why is it that because ye use hard drugs every cunt feels that they have the right tae dissect and analyse ye?

Once ye accept that they huv that right, ye'll join them in the search fir this holy grail, the thing that makes ye tick. Ye'll then defer tae them, allowin yersel tae be conned intae believin any biscuit-ersed theory ay behavior they choose tae attach tae ye. Then yir theirs, no yir ain; the dependency shifts from the drug to them.

Society invents a spurious convoluted logic tae absorb and change people whae's behavior is outside its mainstream. Suppose that ah ken (know) aw the pros and cons, know that ah'm gaunnae huv a short life, am ay sound mind etcetera, etcetera, but still wan tae use smack? They won't let ye dae it. They won't let yae do it because it's seen as ay sign ay thir ain failure. The fact that ye jist simply choose tae reject whit they huv tae offer. Choose us. Choose life. Choose mortgage payments; choose washing machines; choose cars; choose sitting oan a couch watching mind-numbing and spirit-crushing game shows, stuffin fuckin junk food intae yir mooth. Choose rotting away, pishing and shiteing yersel in a home, a total fuckin embarrassment tae the selfish, fucked up brats ye've produced. Choose life."

Whoa, right? All relatable. This guy is smart. But I want to be past where he stops the questions. I want it all. Healthy living. And feeling life.

I don't want mainstream or cliche or something forced upon me. But, I do want to know what it feels like to live without the numbing. It may be hard like that, but it's necessary. I'm learning now so later, when things happen, I'm ready for them. Prepared to take them as they are. Be a stronger person because of it. And make better choices.

I fluctuate. Back and forth. Because it's a struggle. I'm on the brink though. I just need help.

I love you.

f*ck this

i was just praying for peace and understanding. when i think about the future, sometimes i get nervous about how all will work out, as it is my responsibility to make things happen. a bit of pressure right?

so, instead of thinking, how can we go to peru and really make do? because really, it is a place i'd like to try, im instead thinking, well, what about our seasonal work? we'll save from that. and, if that doesn't seem to work, we'll go somewhere else. let our hearts roam free.

teachers in peru make 6k a year. not really able to support two people from that right?

especially if we want to travel and enjoy ourselves. only asian countries pay something higher. but we'll hopefully have savings, and there are lots of options for after that.

from there we could visit new zealand for a working holiday, or go to someplace in asia (if you would want).

all is relative. all options are free. we could go back to the states. work some more in a park or something. a different one. and leave again.

we'll let our hearts be our guides. we just need to learn to be smart about this process. there is a better way to travel. finances have to be considered. and well, i'm pretty sure we'll be taken care of. God has us. whatever we do. and that gives me peace.

seize her

last night was horrifying. i cannot think on it. i try though. to replay it all. but every time i do, my heart beats fast and my insides shreik, "mercy! please! please!" But then I think it could be healthy too. But maybe it's too soon.

my beautiful, beautiful darling. don't ever do that again.

ha. no, that wasn't planned. i know. bad joke.

but darling, i cannot express the fear that left me with. i love you so dearly. and that haunts me a bit.

i'll leave it at that. i am in class. distraught. my heartbeats can't keep steady pace.

that scared me so much. i cannot describe. i am so glad you are okay. i thank God for his mercy and understanding and healing hand.

thank you, thank you, thank you Jesus.

darling, i love you so dearly. You were cradled in my arms. And I screamed and cried. Your eyes rolled back.

I am so glad you are safe. I love you so dearly.

my thoughts are discombobulated.

just...

praise god.

praise god.

praise god.

i have an addiction

i'm sitting here. it's 3:59 am. i have had a long day, but cannot sleep. will not sleep.

i'm sorry frederick. i didn't mean for this to happen, but the guilt is killing me. and yet i was so driven.

i wasn't in the right mind. i had a long day. and a long night. maybe i was bored. although it sounds terrible to blame it on boredom. i'm such a hypocrite. to blame you for momentary lapses when i have my very own.

i'm so sorry frederick. i'm not going to sleep tonight. it's just too much.

please know how much i love you. how much you mean to me. that i never meant for it to be this way.

frederick, i have an addiction.

a serious addiction.

to a sitcom.

dexter.

and it wasn't, until i watched 7 riveting episodes in a row, that i faced up.

admitting is step one. and consider this a formal apology.

=).

i love you.

and for real, what the hell was i thinking doing up so late? and watching those without you??? i just couldn't sleep. and they were all so good. this bay harbour killer. is he going to get caught? isn't he? what happens to lila? rita? you get the drift. i'm so ashamed! i'm one of those!! those with a connection to a television show. after i gave you trouble for watching them without me! that's jut because i liked them so much. =) and i wanted to know as much as you. and well, i just enjoy watching that with you. because you introduced me to it. and you're so cuddly.

i cannot wait to hold you tomorrow morning.

i am so excited.

;-)

love is like a lima bean

love is like a lima bean,

it has an extra layer.

i can peel off the transparent skin,

only to find

there's more bean under there!

and when i think,

i've found it all out,

at the end of the bean,

i see a little sprout

reminding me how love is always growing

and love is always sowing

seeds.

=)

i love you so much freddy! so so so much! i'm crazy about you! you knock my socks off! you rock my world. i feel like a stoned 80's dancing queen. always moving and grooving. and so high on life.

i love you, i love you, i love you so much!! =) you make me so happy beautiful boy. :-* i want to shout it from the rooftops! i have the best boyfriend in the world! i'm in love with the most incredible man on earth! i get to kiss the best kisser there is! i know the sweetest heart that exists!

10,000 kisses! 200 eskimos! and 2 ear nibbles just for fun.

i love you frederick!

muah! muah! muah!