a glance

this week has been incredible.  spending time with you is like eating popsicles.  delicious, sweet, satisfying, and i can never get enough.  we had lots of popsicles this week.  =)

you, frederick, make me the happiest girl in the world.  when i'm cold, you bring me a blanket.  when i'm hot, you make me shorts and lend me a t-shirt.  when i'm emotional or weak or anxious, you give me the best massage, tell me i'm the most beautiful girl you've ever seen, and you repeat these things until i feel them.  you surprised me with a chess set yesterday.  what a perfect gift!!  i was SO surprised!  i love playing chess with you.  i enjoy it so much.  that and sudoku.  but chess is different.  and you picked the best board.  and we played.  and didn't finish. but i loved the gift, and can't wait for us to challenge our brains some more and play again soon. that, my dearest, was absolutely wonderful.  you don't get very much money.  i know this.  but when you do, you bring me surprises or buy me food or bring me surprises.  =)  you're the sweetest boy.

i came home today to a poem above my bed.  it touched my heart.  was absolutely beautiful.  you're such a wonderful poet.  and i know it doesn't compare to yours, or the impact of your kind words written in red above my bed, but i decided to make one for you:

"Dearest Frederick,

You are the thoughts that run through my head and keep my spirit alive,

You are the mountains that teach me beauty, and lead me closer to the sky.

You are the smile that comes across my face,

You are the dreams I used to have and make.

Frederick, you are the stars, the sun, and trees i cannot live without.

You are my breath.

I love you, erin"

frederick, you teach me new things every day.  you're my inspiration.  my backbone.  you keep me moving on,  with a happy jaunt in my steps and a whistle as my tune.  you are everything i could ever hope or want.  and i want reiterate this with my actions, and with my love.  i want you to feel it.  i want you to see it.  never doubt.  never question.  i will tell you every day.  how wonderful you are.  i will tell you i love you. i will be there with you.  for you.  i will be your smile.  i will be the best friend you could ever hope for.  you are this for me.  i love you with everything i am.

your, erin

boy, girl

i haven't written in here lately.  but i haven't forgotten.

i stumbled upon this old children's book "I'm glad I'm a boy! I'm glad I'm a girl!"  Too controversial to be in print now, but worth a looksee.  

I love you so much frederick.

=)

you make me sooooooooooo happy.

praying

dear God,

please, please, please be with Frederick.  Comfort him.  Give him peace.  Give him strength.  And take away any fear.  all fear.  not even exclusively the fear just of this surgery.  but fear that this surgery could happen again.  that this is a part of his life.  these stones.  take away THAT fear.  heal every inch of those kidneys.  make him no longer susceptible to stones.  let them be a thing of the past!  no more!  gone for good!!  god, i believe this.  this is nothing for you.  please, help his surgery go well, give him a sound mind, and let it stay that way.  i love so much.  and i'm so glad to talk to you again.  and feel you so close.  i missed you.  and just hold him.  in your name i pray.  amen.

days like today

it's days like today...i really appreciate.  

i had a headache.  you received word of your kidney stones.  and an upcoming surgery.   i cried.  but made sure you didn't see.  because honey, i hate to see this happening to you.  i hate to see you, the love of my life, suffer this perpetual pain and fear and condition.  you passed up the sweet potato fries tonight.  ...you're such a trooper.

we watched television today.  you cleaned the filter.  i swept the pool.  i played the drums.  you played the guitar.  and the drums.  we played the piano.  we cleaned your room.  had dinner with your family.  coffee with mark.  you pulled over to buy me a drink.  when the excedrin didn't go down smoothly.  you bought orange pineapple juice.  my favorite flavor.

you bought the cigarettes at the shell.  where i said yesterday, it was cheaper.

you put your hand on my leg.  your arm around my shoulder.  

you said you love me unconditionally.  you told me how much you care.  and frederick, i knew.  i know.  i see it not just on those days where there's little stress and we touch each other constantly.  i see it when you look at me when i ask, "should i go?" too early, just checking to make sure you didn't want to head to bed.  i see it when you notice my words.  when you get me the berry cream donut. and when you touch me subtly.  comforting me like nothing else.

i love these days.  

so much.

and i love you.

more than anything.

today's verse

Habakkuk 2:1

"I will stand at my watch station myself on the ramparts;  I will look to see what he will say to me."

It's about waiting in watchful expectation to hear God's voice and receive His help.

"The person who has no expectations and therefore fails to be on alert will receive little help.  Watch for God in the events of your life."

"They who watch for the providence of God will never lack the providence of God to watch for."

"Your hope will not be cut off." Proverbs 23:18

They're simple ideas.  But...I'm going to pray that they sink in.  

Rewind, Play. Rewind, Play. REPEAT.

This weekend was nice.  I'm sorry about the  wedding, but it was really nice to see you afterward.  So nice.  You looked really handsome.  =)  After, we watched snl, and i relaxed on you, as you fell asleep.

Sunday, we woke up, you kicked my butt in tetris (i was humorously TERRIBLE), and we went to my house.  

Now, we get to the good part. 

We started writing a song.  Now, I know it was a makeshift song, but singing with you, composing with you...it went so smoothly, it worked so well.  Your voice is beautiful.  I'm so glad I finally got to hear it.  It's really raw and has a really nice sound.  Writing, I'd think of an idea, and you'd make it work.  bring it all together.

This is what we've got so far:

We're going to the mountains

Going to Climb all the way

Stand atop the big rock

And admire what's around

We'll then paint a picture

Of all the beauty that we see

To hang upon our wall

So the memory always stays

(and these are the ones we haven't fully amended:

we'll cuddle up by the fire

Roast a marshmallow or two

We'll stay warm ad cozy

With good Ol' Blue

When the sky is dark and clear

We'll take out the telescope

And look at the constellations

We'll point them out as we go

We'll look at all the lights

Across the mountaintops

We'll wonder about the other lives

In accordance with our own

(...or something like that))

I'd love to play music with you this summer.  You're already teaching me so much.  I want to get better.  I want to learn everything I can from you.  You're so talented.  ...and so patient.

Easter with my family was nice.  Thanks for coming.  And hiding eggs with me.  And trying all the desserts with me.  Even the key lime pie, and goodness knows you don't like pie.

After, we went to your house to work on your homework.  I'm sorry your piece took you into the wee hours of the morning.  It was nice to be by you while you were doing it though.  I did some music and speech stuff for you.  I wanted to help in whichever way I could.  I'm sorry I sucked on the crab.  It did look really nice to me though.  The whole thing in the end.  I know you said it wasn't done.  But, I don't know.  Maybe it's because I saw you working so long on it.  ...it looked like it was.

Last night, you popped into my bed.  And said the most beautiful things.  You are the sweetest boy I have ever known, or could ever imagine.  I tried to memorize everything you said.  But really, I think most of it was just ingrained upon my heart.  You told me we'd travel the world, you would take care of me, i could have my days free to do as i pleased, I would have a garden, if I wanted to go somewhere, you would make it happen.  All the things you said were so sweet and touching and meaningful frederick.  You will take care of me.  All the words you said reflected this thoughtful, selfless regard.   They penetrated so deeply.  What love.  What sincerity.  What a perfect, beautiful boy, I thought.   I did cry a little bit.  But only really happy tears.  Those were a sacred 10 minutes.  And after the crying, a smile was permanently on my face as you wrapped me in a cocoon, unwrapped me, kissed me, loved me, and i fell asleep.

You mean everything to me Frederick.  

Everything.

around the world

http://www.faceinhole.com/show.asp?id=72c4b7d944b332b11

R.I.P. is a hoax. He is risen and here to stay.

So this thing isn't going to die. Just thought I'd publish that. And, I thought I'd publish how excited I am because of the changes we're instituting in our lives. I love praying with you. We prayed tonight, again, before we called it a night. I'm going to start reading the bible on a regular basis. ...as soon as i get my hands on one. and we can read together. and discuss it. i like this turn in our relationship. i feel even closer to you.
today, i cut my finger giving you a three hour haircut, and you comforted me. your concern and the way you handled and took control of the situation made me feel secure, relieved, better.
i'm getting dizzy from the site of the sliver of blood. you carry me to my bed. "look at me," you say. "are you going to die?" ..."no." "are you going to bleed to death?" ..."no." and more questions, until my mind is fully at ease.
you say all these things with the sweetest smile. and your eyes don't show fear or dread at my perceptions. they show confidence. and i slip into that.
we colored eggs today. we spent time with my family. all of them. even joshua. you were so wonderful. such a good sport. your egg was beautiful. with different painted colors of polka dots and lines. i painted one for you. that said happy easter frederick, with polka dots and a kiss. i also painted another with a heart around "F & E" and a chick on the other side. The kids are going to love to find those in the hunt =). Our love will be renowned.
i want you to feel comfortable with my family. They already love you. So much. They see the impact you have on my life. It's nothing but positiveness.
You gave me surprises today. Donuts and Starburst jelly beans. You told me you're making an easter basket for me. that it'll be awesome. even better than mine. i'll take that. =) that makes me happy. and super excited.
the jelly beans are delicious. i probably ate a quarter of the bag today. and every bite, was a pleasure. can i say you're good at bringing me pleasure? :-*

surprise

i just started this blog for you last week. thinking one day i'd show you. and you'd smile. because there'd be some documentation of us.
well...no need for it now. what we have is 50x better. i'm so happy you had your idea. i love you even more for it. you're the sweetest, smartest, most thoughtful boy i have ever met. and i'm so excited to write with a pen, directly to you, and receive responses back. so much more personal. and really, quite brilliant. i am so in love with you Frederick. you mean so much to me. you're my heart. and may this blog still make you smile...but let it rest in peace. =)