i wanted to post something here to explain to you. if not for you, for myself. so i know i'm explaining myself clearly.
honesty is huge with us. i love it. i want you to be frank with me. you don't have to scuttle around the real issue. because that's where the truth is really found. that's where we grow the most as friends and as a couple. the honest moments and times are the times when we find we most relate.
today i started crying because of my insecurities. because of my fear of loss of mystery. in no way did i feel this had a real impact on us. i let my mind wander to the possibility though. and that's what made me sad. not through doubt did it wander. but through plausibility. plausibly, things happen. we question our relationship. the prospect of marriage. and this is good. i want you to question. i want to question. if you have doubts or fears about anything, that's okay. share them with me. or.. see me. =) you made all my self insecurities go away. because you listened. and you cared.
these past few months, i have gotten to know you on such a greater level. and you, frederick, have gotten to know me almost better than i know me. you know when i'm bothered or sad, even before i know or identify it. you identify my true feelings toward things, making distinctions between deeper sentiments/values and accepting things for other reasons. (the food decision tonight really impressed me in the sense of how aware you are to what i'd prefer and it was so entirely sweet that you heeded that preference above your own ).
i love our comfortability. i'm not afraid to let you know if something's up, if i was in any way offended by something.
you are singing now. in front of me and our group of kids. and boy, i love your voice!
i'm singing improv in front of you.
you always tell me the truth. honesty is such a huge cornerstone in our relationship.
things are going so well in my head that when i was contemplating the satisfaction i felt from not only being in this, committed for the long haul (appreciating this depth beyond sexual identity), being content, happy, safe, and secure everyday, joshua's words suddenly came back to me. and i feared it would run out. i love being so comfortable. but does that mean i'm too frank? am i so frank and vulnerable that there's not enough more of me to show?
there was no doubting. in us. that's one thing i truly am so satisfied with. i think our relationship is healthy and we have God as head. Things can happen, sure. But we're going the right direction. we're both putting ourselves in the position to make this last. We have an unquenchable, passionate, reverent, honest, sincere, strong as an ox, God-fearing, love. have you been doing your job? YES, YES, YES! You make me feel wonderful. You're constantly telling me how much you love me, and showing me how much you care. Your actions could stand alone, but you also put them into words. it was a stupid proclivity i remembered from my brother. it's just the fact that he's my brother, and doesn't see me anymore that made me give it too much regard. my dad thinks he knows who i am and that's enough for him , unless i want to make time. and at my mom's the isolation can lead to this obsessive thinking. which i am learning to battle with more apparent truths.
you were incredible today. you made me feel so special. you made me feel so worthy and assured. you said ALL of the right things. In Dexter, he says he wishes he knew how to rid his girlfriend of her insecurities, you do. In the first few words. and then you continue. to completely avert any negative feeling, putting it out to sea to fall to the ocean's furthest depths, being eaten by sharks and saltwater alligators along the way.
i love you. i love making sweet melodies with you. talking about how we are going to love on our children. i love when you tell me to stop what i'm doing and run. when you talk about politics with me. when you speak on my behalf before my grandfather. we are on the same page. and you are able to portray things without the emotionality i exhibit, earning his respect and understanding, and my full admiration and gratefulness.
I will pray for things with mom and trish. some things need to change there. we will pray for wisdom, understanding, and i will willingly lay down any pride i have. your suggestions and ideas are invaluable to me. i cherish them and appreciate them so dearly. i WILL ask my grandma if she would like me to do her hair for no other reason than because i love her, would like to save her some money, and would like to serve her, ultimately being obedient to God and His desires for my life-placing others before my self.
i need a blow to my ego. i need to develop a servant heart, attitude, and lifestyle. and, i am willing for this. because i want God to shape me in the here and now. I want to say, "God, I'm yours, right now, here today. Just let me get closer to knowing your heart."
you are incredible frederick. you gave me a perfect day. you made me happy with your reassuring words, strong arms, sincere gestures, beautiful melodies, and your utterly delightful companionship. thank you, thank you, thank you. thank you so much. you are the best friend i could ever dream of.
i know you are wise with your words. i know you would only bring up marriage and a life together if you meant it. and likewise with me. i cherish what we have. all we're blessed with. and look forward to making sweet, sweet melodies everywhere we go, a spring wedding, counting wrinkles, and cuddling with our kids.
i love you forever. and i will always be by your side. even in heaven. even if we're not still married. =)
yours,
erin
