tis the reason

my dearest,

that made me the happiest girl in the world. that day was perfect. and we're looking at many more to come. but the image still lingers in my mind.

i see me and you in some little apartment in winter park. you're going to school a few days a week. focused because the classes you're taking are fun for you and you're about to graduate in not too much time. i help you where i can. i work during the week. teaching or something. and you help me by making me happy. we go to the park. we take long bike rides. go the the enzian. stardust coffee. we photograph. farmer's markets galore. our home is beautiful. cozy. just the way we like it. we cook what we want, when we want. we live 10 minutes from a whole foods. we go to an awesome church. sunday nights. but we go to a bible study on a week night. and the other nights we spend time with each other, or with our awesome friends who love the same things we love. we make plans with them. for our next big ventures. and it gets exciting. on a whim one night, we get matching tattoos. small ones. but it makes us happy. we play music in the park. you find steady music partners. you play folk music galore. and no longer are you the only one with a banjo. we take the train when we want. wherever we want. for adventures. we have a garden. a little herb one on our balcony. and we're happy. happy to be together and living.

Trainspotting

"Whin yir oan junk, aw ye worry aboot is scorin. Oaf the gear, ye worry aboot loads ay things. Nae money, cannae git pished. Goat money, drinkin too much. Cannae git a burd, nae chance ay a ride. Git a bird, too much hassle, cannae breathe withoot her gittin oan yir case. Either that or ye blow it, and feel aw guilty. Ye worry aboot bills, food, baliffs, these Jambo Nazi scum beatin us, aw the things that ye couldnae gie a fuck aboot whin yuv goat a real junk habit. Yuv just goat one thing tae worry aboot. The simplicity ay it aw. Ken what ah mean?"

ken what i mean, freddy?

"So it goes back tae ma alienation from society. The problem is that people refuse to accept ma view that society cannae be changed tae make it significantly better, or that ah cannae change tae accommodate it. Such a state ay affairs induces depression on ma part, aw the anger gets turned in. That's what depression is they say. However, depression also results in demotivation. A void growin within ye. Junk fills the void, and also helps tae satisfy ma need tae destroy masel, the anger turned in but again."

"Loaday fuckin shite."

"Why is it that because ye use hard drugs every cunt feels that they have the right tae dissect and analyse ye?

Once ye accept that they huv that right, ye'll join them in the search fir this holy grail, the thing that makes ye tick. Ye'll then defer tae them, allowin yersel tae be conned intae believin any biscuit-ersed theory ay behavior they choose tae attach tae ye. Then yir theirs, no yir ain; the dependency shifts from the drug to them.

Society invents a spurious convoluted logic tae absorb and change people whae's behavior is outside its mainstream. Suppose that ah ken (know) aw the pros and cons, know that ah'm gaunnae huv a short life, am ay sound mind etcetera, etcetera, but still wan tae use smack? They won't let ye dae it. They won't let yae do it because it's seen as ay sign ay thir ain failure. The fact that ye jist simply choose tae reject whit they huv tae offer. Choose us. Choose life. Choose mortgage payments; choose washing machines; choose cars; choose sitting oan a couch watching mind-numbing and spirit-crushing game shows, stuffin fuckin junk food intae yir mooth. Choose rotting away, pishing and shiteing yersel in a home, a total fuckin embarrassment tae the selfish, fucked up brats ye've produced. Choose life."

Whoa, right? All relatable. This guy is smart. But I want to be past where he stops the questions. I want it all. Healthy living. And feeling life.

I don't want mainstream or cliche or something forced upon me. But, I do want to know what it feels like to live without the numbing. It may be hard like that, but it's necessary. I'm learning now so later, when things happen, I'm ready for them. Prepared to take them as they are. Be a stronger person because of it. And make better choices.

I fluctuate. Back and forth. Because it's a struggle. I'm on the brink though. I just need help.

I love you.

f*ck this

i was just praying for peace and understanding. when i think about the future, sometimes i get nervous about how all will work out, as it is my responsibility to make things happen. a bit of pressure right?

so, instead of thinking, how can we go to peru and really make do? because really, it is a place i'd like to try, im instead thinking, well, what about our seasonal work? we'll save from that. and, if that doesn't seem to work, we'll go somewhere else. let our hearts roam free.

teachers in peru make 6k a year. not really able to support two people from that right?

especially if we want to travel and enjoy ourselves. only asian countries pay something higher. but we'll hopefully have savings, and there are lots of options for after that.

from there we could visit new zealand for a working holiday, or go to someplace in asia (if you would want).

all is relative. all options are free. we could go back to the states. work some more in a park or something. a different one. and leave again.

we'll let our hearts be our guides. we just need to learn to be smart about this process. there is a better way to travel. finances have to be considered. and well, i'm pretty sure we'll be taken care of. God has us. whatever we do. and that gives me peace.

seize her

last night was horrifying. i cannot think on it. i try though. to replay it all. but every time i do, my heart beats fast and my insides shreik, "mercy! please! please!" But then I think it could be healthy too. But maybe it's too soon.

my beautiful, beautiful darling. don't ever do that again.

ha. no, that wasn't planned. i know. bad joke.

but darling, i cannot express the fear that left me with. i love you so dearly. and that haunts me a bit.

i'll leave it at that. i am in class. distraught. my heartbeats can't keep steady pace.

that scared me so much. i cannot describe. i am so glad you are okay. i thank God for his mercy and understanding and healing hand.

thank you, thank you, thank you Jesus.

darling, i love you so dearly. You were cradled in my arms. And I screamed and cried. Your eyes rolled back.

I am so glad you are safe. I love you so dearly.

my thoughts are discombobulated.

just...

praise god.

praise god.

praise god.

i have an addiction

i'm sitting here. it's 3:59 am. i have had a long day, but cannot sleep. will not sleep.

i'm sorry frederick. i didn't mean for this to happen, but the guilt is killing me. and yet i was so driven.

i wasn't in the right mind. i had a long day. and a long night. maybe i was bored. although it sounds terrible to blame it on boredom. i'm such a hypocrite. to blame you for momentary lapses when i have my very own.

i'm so sorry frederick. i'm not going to sleep tonight. it's just too much.

please know how much i love you. how much you mean to me. that i never meant for it to be this way.

frederick, i have an addiction.

a serious addiction.

to a sitcom.

dexter.

and it wasn't, until i watched 7 riveting episodes in a row, that i faced up.

admitting is step one. and consider this a formal apology.

=).

i love you.

and for real, what the hell was i thinking doing up so late? and watching those without you??? i just couldn't sleep. and they were all so good. this bay harbour killer. is he going to get caught? isn't he? what happens to lila? rita? you get the drift. i'm so ashamed! i'm one of those!! those with a connection to a television show. after i gave you trouble for watching them without me! that's jut because i liked them so much. =) and i wanted to know as much as you. and well, i just enjoy watching that with you. because you introduced me to it. and you're so cuddly.

i cannot wait to hold you tomorrow morning.

i am so excited.

;-)

love is like a lima bean

love is like a lima bean,

it has an extra layer.

i can peel off the transparent skin,

only to find

there's more bean under there!

and when i think,

i've found it all out,

at the end of the bean,

i see a little sprout

reminding me how love is always growing

and love is always sowing

seeds.

=)

i love you so much freddy! so so so much! i'm crazy about you! you knock my socks off! you rock my world. i feel like a stoned 80's dancing queen. always moving and grooving. and so high on life.

i love you, i love you, i love you so much!! =) you make me so happy beautiful boy. :-* i want to shout it from the rooftops! i have the best boyfriend in the world! i'm in love with the most incredible man on earth! i get to kiss the best kisser there is! i know the sweetest heart that exists!

10,000 kisses! 200 eskimos! and 2 ear nibbles just for fun.

i love you frederick!

muah! muah! muah!

before it's over done.

i wanted to post something here to explain to you. if not for you, for myself. so i know i'm explaining myself clearly.

honesty is huge with us. i love it. i want you to be frank with me. you don't have to scuttle around the real issue. because that's where the truth is really found. that's where we grow the most as friends and as a couple. the honest moments and times are the times when we find we most relate.

today i started crying because of my insecurities. because of my fear of loss of mystery. in no way did i feel this had a real impact on us. i let my mind wander to the possibility though. and that's what made me sad. not through doubt did it wander. but through plausibility. plausibly, things happen. we question our relationship. the prospect of marriage. and this is good. i want you to question. i want to question. if you have doubts or fears about anything, that's okay. share them with me. or.. see me. =) you made all my self insecurities go away. because you listened. and you cared.

these past few months, i have gotten to know you on such a greater level. and you, frederick, have gotten to know me almost better than i know me. you know when i'm bothered or sad, even before i know or identify it. you identify my true feelings toward things, making distinctions between deeper sentiments/values and accepting things for other reasons. (the food decision tonight really impressed me in the sense of how aware you are to what i'd prefer and it was so entirely sweet that you heeded that preference above your own ).

i love our comfortability. i'm not afraid to let you know if something's up, if i was in any way offended by something.

you are singing now. in front of me and our group of kids. and boy, i love your voice!

i'm singing improv in front of you.

you always tell me the truth. honesty is such a huge cornerstone in our relationship.

things are going so well in my head that when i was contemplating the satisfaction i felt from not only being in this, committed for the long haul (appreciating this depth beyond sexual identity), being content, happy, safe, and secure everyday, joshua's words suddenly came back to me. and i feared it would run out. i love being so comfortable. but does that mean i'm too frank? am i so frank and vulnerable that there's not enough more of me to show?

there was no doubting. in us. that's one thing i truly am so satisfied with. i think our relationship is healthy and we have God as head. Things can happen, sure. But we're going the right direction. we're both putting ourselves in the position to make this last. We have an unquenchable, passionate, reverent, honest, sincere, strong as an ox, God-fearing, love. have you been doing your job? YES, YES, YES! You make me feel wonderful. You're constantly telling me how much you love me, and showing me how much you care. Your actions could stand alone, but you also put them into words. it was a stupid proclivity i remembered from my brother. it's just the fact that he's my brother, and doesn't see me anymore that made me give it too much regard. my dad thinks he knows who i am and that's enough for him , unless i want to make time. and at my mom's the isolation can lead to this obsessive thinking. which i am learning to battle with more apparent truths.

you were incredible today. you made me feel so special. you made me feel so worthy and assured. you said ALL of the right things. In Dexter, he says he wishes he knew how to rid his girlfriend of her insecurities, you do. In the first few words. and then you continue. to completely avert any negative feeling, putting it out to sea to fall to the ocean's furthest depths, being eaten by sharks and saltwater alligators along the way.

i love you. i love making sweet melodies with you. talking about how we are going to love on our children. i love when you tell me to stop what i'm doing and run. when you talk about politics with me. when you speak on my behalf before my grandfather. we are on the same page. and you are able to portray things without the emotionality i exhibit, earning his respect and understanding, and my full admiration and gratefulness.

I will pray for things with mom and trish. some things need to change there. we will pray for wisdom, understanding, and i will willingly lay down any pride i have. your suggestions and ideas are invaluable to me. i cherish them and appreciate them so dearly. i WILL ask my grandma if she would like me to do her hair for no other reason than because i love her, would like to save her some money, and would like to serve her, ultimately being obedient to God and His desires for my life-placing others before my self.

i need a blow to my ego. i need to develop a servant heart, attitude, and lifestyle. and, i am willing for this. because i want God to shape me in the here and now. I want to say, "God, I'm yours, right now, here today. Just let me get closer to knowing your heart."

you are incredible frederick. you gave me a perfect day. you made me happy with your reassuring words, strong arms, sincere gestures, beautiful melodies, and your utterly delightful companionship. thank you, thank you, thank you. thank you so much. you are the best friend i could ever dream of.

i know you are wise with your words. i know you would only bring up marriage and a life together if you meant it. and likewise with me. i cherish what we have. all we're blessed with. and look forward to making sweet, sweet melodies everywhere we go, a spring wedding, counting wrinkles, and cuddling with our kids.

i love you forever. and i will always be by your side. even in heaven. even if we're not still married. =)

yours,

erin

sherlock's great, great grandaughter

i was for some reason, quite astonished at my abilities.

i thought i'd share.

this evening, just after you leave, i'm on my computer.  looking at itunes.  picking out music.  

when all of a sudden, i notice something on my desktop is missing.

erin22.doc

trish's skype letter.

ha.  i think.  wow.  is this really happening?

i search the computer for the document.  to no avail.  i go to my email.  it's still there.  at least mom didn't raid that one.  

redownload.  just for the hell of it.  i didn't even read it.  but was still unsure of mom actually doing that.  i downloaded it, did a search, and only that one popped up.

still in great disbelief, i research, for quite awhile, how to discover if someone's been on your computer.  

after a great amount of time, i resort to the console log, scrolling the computer usage times.  

scroll.

scroll.

thinking of my week's schedule.

scroll.

scroll.

ah ha!  gotchya!  tuesday evening, july 7, 2009, from 6:41-6:46 pm, my computer was in use.  at that time, we were buying kfc chicken wings. 

and trish and mom were home.  

mystery solved, my dear watson.

thank you for tonight honey.  it was so nice holding you. i hope you get some rest.  i love you.

smug

last night, i laid my head down to sleep.  prayed my soul to keep.  and slept.

i dreamed.  and awoke every hour or so, thinking "wow" ::smug smile:: "i was just sleeping".  and fell back to sleep in a different direction, squeezing a different pillow.

it was a nice feeling.

and in my dreams, my mom listened to me.  and decided to finish a blanket she started making, for Hanah, during pregnancy.

thinking happy thoughts.  and a lot about sewing.  going to make a trip to the other house to gather some stuff today. kind of yucky.  i have no where to put it.  but better now than all at once later.

just thought i'd tell you that.  

and that i'm excited to see your beautiful face.

<3.

zzz

i cannot sleep.
i'm listening to you on itunes.
and that's soothing to me.
when i think about the notes and beats, it leads to thoughts of can tapping and beautiful stories and a guileless heart.
it's comforting. almost like the music is a line between us. it's the sound captured on the line. from your heart. to mine. it serves as the medium. and it's it comforting to think someone's at the other end. and it counts me hopeful, even tonight, i'll find rest.

closed eyes just came on.
right on cue.

things bothering me:
trish, being in the same house as trish, trish's glares that interlace the silence (mark reiterated those tonight), the discomfort of being in my house, mom's unwavering issues (i've lightly contemplated calling her laura, not seriously, but in reaction to how i feel about her, ultimately, leaving her one more free of motherhood), i think about hanah- although it makes me sad, and forces me to reach out to that beautiful, good, bright, endearing girl, all the more.

you bring me such happiness. i love to laugh with you. and play with you. playing in the rain was entirely wonderful. the torrential downpour. hopping in puddles. walking in puddles.standing in our underwear on the back deck. taking a jacuzzi bath. watching the king of king kong documentary was excellent. playing frisbee with you and hanah. cuddling. drawing. painting. sunset catching. piggy back riding. you are the man of my dreams. you teach me that i'm lovely. you teach me that i have something good and pure. to acknowledge and cherish. you make me feel like a little girl, without mistakes, with big eyes and great expectations. and i like that. a lot. i love what we have. i believe it is good. and pure. you teach me so much. or jesus teaches me so much through you. however you want to put it.

i love you. and one of the lessons i'm learning is what it means to accept God's grace. and love. i'm learning a lot of this from you.

i love you so much frederick.

i cannot say it enough.

you're a deer. 

and you have my <3.

=)

always, erin

Beautiful

i love you so much, frederick.

boogie woogie

eye spy.  

with my little eye.

EAGLE EYE.

eye love you. =)

i believe in yesterday

Honey,
You are the sweetest, most sincere, thoughtful, attentive boy. Your song to me on the guitar yesterday was absolutely beautiful. It touched my heart. Made my eyes water. I watch you play and sing these words, these words I'm fully attuned to, from these lips I'm so familiar with, and my insides flutter, as my whole body finds consolation in the goodness of your heart and the beauty in what we have. That was such a nice song, and that black cap looked so charming on my man-cake.

I was reading this sex god book.
----------------------------------
"Think about your friendships, the closest ones, the ones that have gone the distance. How often do you ask who is in charge? Do you ever find yourself questioning, "Where does the buck stop?

No, it's not even on the radar. Over time you've built reserves of trust and love, power and control become irrelevant. The healthier and more whole a marriage relationship is, the less you ask these kinds of questions."
... this is why I'm glad we're such great friends. this power issue between a couple he addresses for pages at a time, is irrelevant to us. so many, men especially, struggle with this. they want such submissive wives, without heeding any respect toward their wives wishes or feelings. it's simply "submit." i.e. my father. i read things like this, think of you, and count myself blessed.
-----------------------------------
"Sex is not the search for something that's missing. It's the expression of something that's been found. It's designed to be the overflow, the culmination of something that a man and woman have found in each other. It's a celebration of this living, breathing thing that's happening between the two of them."
... we know this. and that's what's so beautiful to me.
-----------------------------------
"If you're dating someone, what kind of man is he? Does he demonstrate that he's the kind of man who would die for you? What is his posture toward the world? Does he serve, or is he waiting to be served? Does he see himself out to make the world a better place?"
...yes, yes, yes. was all i kept thinking.
-----------------------------------
I found this man whom I love and adore with everything. What we have is healthy. Our communication is good. We're serving the same Lord Jesus with earnest hearts. And frankly, sometimes, I lose words for what this all means to me. What my heart does when I look at you and connect with you like I do. All I can really say is "I love you, Frederick. I don't take the things you do for granted, and I notice every little thing you do. Especially the little things."

"I feel so safe in your arms."

Memories

I'm excited for the day, today. There is some time we need to tend to. So it can blossom and bloom. Into a big sunflower of happiness radiating off of us.
How about the Clearwater Marine Aquarium? And some lunch at Frida's?
It will be excellent. =)

may day

Happy May Day!

Happy May Day! I'm officially done with school.  You're almost.  So close.This post is a tribute to summer LoViNg.Love in the sun...this is what i want to see if i were to look into a crystal ball. this is what makes me excited.

*Lots of Cuddling

*North Carolina -Birchwood, the pasture, art and music, your home, Asheville, hiking, road trip, etc, etc.  
*Gardening

*Camping Trips

*Kayaking

*Telescopes and Stars

*Adventures

*A Job-not looking forward to per say, but it'd be nice to work together and/or have $)

*Summer Trip: i.e. seeing your family (it would be a nice trip, wherever we ended up =) )

*Making cool Stuff

*Lots of Cuddling

*Exploring

*Basketball, Soccer, Football 

*Reading...galore

*Jesus: growing, learning, loving, going deep.

*Lots of Cuddling

*Music-piano, guitar, drums, banjo (due time). Teach me everything.

*Bike Riding

etc, etc.

I'm so in love with you Frederick Allen.  I went to the Y today with your sister.  We were on our way, and I realized, I forgot to say goodbye.  Aww, all I wanted to do was go back in time and give you a hug and kiss, tell you I love you profusely.  I'm sorry.  Heather and I had a nice time at the Y.  We talked.  I received a cheap membership.  And I thought about how much I love you and how jealous of a lover I am because I'm so excited your school's almost over, and at that point, I'd have you all to myself.  Helping you with music is like eating my vegetables.  Not the best part, certainly enjoyable in your company, and certainly the most rewarding.  YOU ARE ALMOST DONE.

Hip hip hooray!

Hip hip hooray!

Hip hip hooray!

a glance

this week has been incredible.  spending time with you is like eating popsicles.  delicious, sweet, satisfying, and i can never get enough.  we had lots of popsicles this week.  =)

you, frederick, make me the happiest girl in the world.  when i'm cold, you bring me a blanket.  when i'm hot, you make me shorts and lend me a t-shirt.  when i'm emotional or weak or anxious, you give me the best massage, tell me i'm the most beautiful girl you've ever seen, and you repeat these things until i feel them.  you surprised me with a chess set yesterday.  what a perfect gift!!  i was SO surprised!  i love playing chess with you.  i enjoy it so much.  that and sudoku.  but chess is different.  and you picked the best board.  and we played.  and didn't finish. but i loved the gift, and can't wait for us to challenge our brains some more and play again soon. that, my dearest, was absolutely wonderful.  you don't get very much money.  i know this.  but when you do, you bring me surprises or buy me food or bring me surprises.  =)  you're the sweetest boy.

i came home today to a poem above my bed.  it touched my heart.  was absolutely beautiful.  you're such a wonderful poet.  and i know it doesn't compare to yours, or the impact of your kind words written in red above my bed, but i decided to make one for you:

"Dearest Frederick,

You are the thoughts that run through my head and keep my spirit alive,

You are the mountains that teach me beauty, and lead me closer to the sky.

You are the smile that comes across my face,

You are the dreams I used to have and make.

Frederick, you are the stars, the sun, and trees i cannot live without.

You are my breath.

I love you, erin"

frederick, you teach me new things every day.  you're my inspiration.  my backbone.  you keep me moving on,  with a happy jaunt in my steps and a whistle as my tune.  you are everything i could ever hope or want.  and i want reiterate this with my actions, and with my love.  i want you to feel it.  i want you to see it.  never doubt.  never question.  i will tell you every day.  how wonderful you are.  i will tell you i love you. i will be there with you.  for you.  i will be your smile.  i will be the best friend you could ever hope for.  you are this for me.  i love you with everything i am.

your, erin

boy, girl

i haven't written in here lately.  but i haven't forgotten.

i stumbled upon this old children's book "I'm glad I'm a boy! I'm glad I'm a girl!"  Too controversial to be in print now, but worth a looksee.  

I love you so much frederick.

=)

you make me sooooooooooo happy.

praying

dear God,

please, please, please be with Frederick.  Comfort him.  Give him peace.  Give him strength.  And take away any fear.  all fear.  not even exclusively the fear just of this surgery.  but fear that this surgery could happen again.  that this is a part of his life.  these stones.  take away THAT fear.  heal every inch of those kidneys.  make him no longer susceptible to stones.  let them be a thing of the past!  no more!  gone for good!!  god, i believe this.  this is nothing for you.  please, help his surgery go well, give him a sound mind, and let it stay that way.  i love so much.  and i'm so glad to talk to you again.  and feel you so close.  i missed you.  and just hold him.  in your name i pray.  amen.

days like today

it's days like today...i really appreciate.  

i had a headache.  you received word of your kidney stones.  and an upcoming surgery.   i cried.  but made sure you didn't see.  because honey, i hate to see this happening to you.  i hate to see you, the love of my life, suffer this perpetual pain and fear and condition.  you passed up the sweet potato fries tonight.  ...you're such a trooper.

we watched television today.  you cleaned the filter.  i swept the pool.  i played the drums.  you played the guitar.  and the drums.  we played the piano.  we cleaned your room.  had dinner with your family.  coffee with mark.  you pulled over to buy me a drink.  when the excedrin didn't go down smoothly.  you bought orange pineapple juice.  my favorite flavor.

you bought the cigarettes at the shell.  where i said yesterday, it was cheaper.

you put your hand on my leg.  your arm around my shoulder.  

you said you love me unconditionally.  you told me how much you care.  and frederick, i knew.  i know.  i see it not just on those days where there's little stress and we touch each other constantly.  i see it when you look at me when i ask, "should i go?" too early, just checking to make sure you didn't want to head to bed.  i see it when you notice my words.  when you get me the berry cream donut. and when you touch me subtly.  comforting me like nothing else.

i love these days.  

so much.

and i love you.

more than anything.

today's verse

Habakkuk 2:1

"I will stand at my watch station myself on the ramparts;  I will look to see what he will say to me."

It's about waiting in watchful expectation to hear God's voice and receive His help.

"The person who has no expectations and therefore fails to be on alert will receive little help.  Watch for God in the events of your life."

"They who watch for the providence of God will never lack the providence of God to watch for."

"Your hope will not be cut off." Proverbs 23:18

They're simple ideas.  But...I'm going to pray that they sink in.  

Rewind, Play. Rewind, Play. REPEAT.

This weekend was nice.  I'm sorry about the  wedding, but it was really nice to see you afterward.  So nice.  You looked really handsome.  =)  After, we watched snl, and i relaxed on you, as you fell asleep.

Sunday, we woke up, you kicked my butt in tetris (i was humorously TERRIBLE), and we went to my house.  

Now, we get to the good part. 

We started writing a song.  Now, I know it was a makeshift song, but singing with you, composing with you...it went so smoothly, it worked so well.  Your voice is beautiful.  I'm so glad I finally got to hear it.  It's really raw and has a really nice sound.  Writing, I'd think of an idea, and you'd make it work.  bring it all together.

This is what we've got so far:

We're going to the mountains

Going to Climb all the way

Stand atop the big rock

And admire what's around

We'll then paint a picture

Of all the beauty that we see

To hang upon our wall

So the memory always stays

(and these are the ones we haven't fully amended:

we'll cuddle up by the fire

Roast a marshmallow or two

We'll stay warm ad cozy

With good Ol' Blue

When the sky is dark and clear

We'll take out the telescope

And look at the constellations

We'll point them out as we go

We'll look at all the lights

Across the mountaintops

We'll wonder about the other lives

In accordance with our own

(...or something like that))

I'd love to play music with you this summer.  You're already teaching me so much.  I want to get better.  I want to learn everything I can from you.  You're so talented.  ...and so patient.

Easter with my family was nice.  Thanks for coming.  And hiding eggs with me.  And trying all the desserts with me.  Even the key lime pie, and goodness knows you don't like pie.

After, we went to your house to work on your homework.  I'm sorry your piece took you into the wee hours of the morning.  It was nice to be by you while you were doing it though.  I did some music and speech stuff for you.  I wanted to help in whichever way I could.  I'm sorry I sucked on the crab.  It did look really nice to me though.  The whole thing in the end.  I know you said it wasn't done.  But, I don't know.  Maybe it's because I saw you working so long on it.  ...it looked like it was.

Last night, you popped into my bed.  And said the most beautiful things.  You are the sweetest boy I have ever known, or could ever imagine.  I tried to memorize everything you said.  But really, I think most of it was just ingrained upon my heart.  You told me we'd travel the world, you would take care of me, i could have my days free to do as i pleased, I would have a garden, if I wanted to go somewhere, you would make it happen.  All the things you said were so sweet and touching and meaningful frederick.  You will take care of me.  All the words you said reflected this thoughtful, selfless regard.   They penetrated so deeply.  What love.  What sincerity.  What a perfect, beautiful boy, I thought.   I did cry a little bit.  But only really happy tears.  Those were a sacred 10 minutes.  And after the crying, a smile was permanently on my face as you wrapped me in a cocoon, unwrapped me, kissed me, loved me, and i fell asleep.

You mean everything to me Frederick.  

Everything.

around the world

http://www.faceinhole.com/show.asp?id=72c4b7d944b332b11

R.I.P. is a hoax. He is risen and here to stay.

So this thing isn't going to die. Just thought I'd publish that. And, I thought I'd publish how excited I am because of the changes we're instituting in our lives. I love praying with you. We prayed tonight, again, before we called it a night. I'm going to start reading the bible on a regular basis. ...as soon as i get my hands on one. and we can read together. and discuss it. i like this turn in our relationship. i feel even closer to you.
today, i cut my finger giving you a three hour haircut, and you comforted me. your concern and the way you handled and took control of the situation made me feel secure, relieved, better.
i'm getting dizzy from the site of the sliver of blood. you carry me to my bed. "look at me," you say. "are you going to die?" ..."no." "are you going to bleed to death?" ..."no." and more questions, until my mind is fully at ease.
you say all these things with the sweetest smile. and your eyes don't show fear or dread at my perceptions. they show confidence. and i slip into that.
we colored eggs today. we spent time with my family. all of them. even joshua. you were so wonderful. such a good sport. your egg was beautiful. with different painted colors of polka dots and lines. i painted one for you. that said happy easter frederick, with polka dots and a kiss. i also painted another with a heart around "F & E" and a chick on the other side. The kids are going to love to find those in the hunt =). Our love will be renowned.
i want you to feel comfortable with my family. They already love you. So much. They see the impact you have on my life. It's nothing but positiveness.
You gave me surprises today. Donuts and Starburst jelly beans. You told me you're making an easter basket for me. that it'll be awesome. even better than mine. i'll take that. =) that makes me happy. and super excited.
the jelly beans are delicious. i probably ate a quarter of the bag today. and every bite, was a pleasure. can i say you're good at bringing me pleasure? :-*

surprise

i just started this blog for you last week. thinking one day i'd show you. and you'd smile. because there'd be some documentation of us.
well...no need for it now. what we have is 50x better. i'm so happy you had your idea. i love you even more for it. you're the sweetest, smartest, most thoughtful boy i have ever met. and i'm so excited to write with a pen, directly to you, and receive responses back. so much more personal. and really, quite brilliant. i am so in love with you Frederick. you mean so much to me. you're my heart. and may this blog still make you smile...but let it rest in peace. =)

rainforest

spikey yellow rock

today...you passed a stone.
you came out of the bathroom with it in your hand.
"what's that?" i asked.
really, i was just afraid that it was true.
"why aren't you crying?" i didn't know why you were alright, when i know how painful those are.
you started telling me how you pulled it out with my earring.
it's then i noticed the tears i hadn't seen before. it's then i equated the pain and the mind hardships. thinking about having these blasted stones in your future.
darling, my love, i hate that. i felt for you. i feel for you. i just wanted to hug you and rub your back. because i thought that was the most i could do. the best i could do. to help.

i later found this note i'd written in the waiting room. when i went to visit you in tally to have your surgery.
---------
you're beautiful when you sleep. you are so brave, you know. i don't know if i could have been as brave as you were today. it hurts me to see your understated pain. it hurts even more because of how strong you're being, when i know your insides are burning.
sitting in the waiting room...i couldn't focus on much else, but you.
-------
you are so strong, so brave.
and i can only think to hug you, love you, and pray that this kidney stone thing goes to rest...soon.

San Pedro

today we made poppy seed tea. i rode with my man in a truck. and we went to 9 different locations for cactus.
and had lots of whipped cream. and chocolate moose tracks blue bell milkshakes. you gave me the peanut butter cups at the bottom of your cup. because you knew i was excited when i poured them in there. and the shake was too rich for you anyways.
you told me i was about to witness the best thing in the world. told me it would blow my mind. nothing would make me more excited. i gave you the back rub of your life.
we figured out the hallelujah worship song on the guitar.
we climbed the tree in my back yard. tried to catch butterflies. and picked multicolored flowers.
we played with charlie. you rubbed his ears. and he squinted his eyes. in bliss.
we went to purple moon with mark. you bought us chai lattes and ice coffees. irish cream sodas (i picked it for you) and sangrias. we had a really nice time. we went to blockbuster and picked up stardust and page master. and got queen's pizza. we watched stardust at my moms. and ate the pizza with buffalo hot sauce (i couldn't find ranch).
you dropped me off at my home to charlie. and left. and came back because you forgot your phone. realized it was in your pocket. and said, "nevermind, i came in to give you another kiss goodbye."
a good day i'd say.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VZWq065S9z8

Dedication

I dedicate this blog to Frederick Richard Allen.